so its 199?, and im becoming sexually mature. Ive started having strange erotic thoughts, and think i want to be a lesbian, ive seen some in films and they are fucking stunning, like in those german documentaries. Id love to have a clunge for a day. If I could choose one super power, it would be to change into a super porno lesbo, so i could strum myself giddy looking at photos of my other self. mmm, me so horny. I found a film in my brothers secret collection, think it was called danish escort girls, on VHS, which was posh in them days. Id been helpin build a stone wall in the back garden and me hands were all rough. Everyones gone out to the layerthorpe wmc, so im watching tv at home alone, smoking a cheeky reefa of some nice tasting soap bar, by nice I mean, NICE, not like the plastic shit that was around in the late 90's, this shit was nice, tasted glorious, and gave you a nice buzz. Best of all u could last for fucking hours!
Anyway, I suddenly remembered finding this educational video, so i thought id have a look.
It was great, had a proper story and everything. Glorias washing machine had broke, so she rang the repair line, a blonde chick turned up, turns out she had a bag full of tools, and was super good with washers, she soon had the drum wet and writhing again.
Gloria had no money so the nice repair lady said they could have a naked cuddle insted. WELL! the things I saw, got me standing to attention pretty quick, and with my sand paper hands I was soon in a sticky mess.
Next night was youth club night, i run tings round there, for some reason I was able to look after myself as a kid, but wasnt quite the cool guy that i am now! Anyway, theres a chick i fancy, good looking lass, only snag is barnit told me she had a gammy mott, (proof that keith lemon never invented that word), but i dint know what that meant so thought fuck it, i will. Any road, were round the back of the youth club, id just had a scrap and a few girls dig that stuff. She had my cock out and everything, she was wearing one of them shitty leotard things and could i fuckers get into her minge, me mate col came round the corner and said r u coming for a joint, so i said yea, fuck it. I left her stood there, think i blew it there cos shedint talk to me again!!
Some time has passed now and ive got a job and everything. I get paid nearly £100 a week and dont even have to pay board. Theres a lass at work who keeps touching me, so does her friend, Im not sure if this is abuse or not, shes 36 I think, and her make must be knocking on 40 judging by the face, and saggy top knockers. Im only just out of school, but dont give a fuck, all me mates have been shagging since they were 12, especially special mickey, who looks like the gay one off of jls and used to get all the chicks, so i guess im a late starter. Everytime I go to the packing room they both appear, asking what Im packing. I always make a rude joke, thinking thats what there after, but how wrong was I!! Turns out they both wanted a bit of fresh meat, some lamb chop, so I obliged. on condition that they dont tell there husbands, cos ive met them, and they are fucking huge cunts. Anyway, that was my first, or one of my first, deep clunge explorations. It was a bit shit to be fair, couple of baggy fannys, saggy tits, and it was all over in a few seconds, 50 shakes to be precise. This went on for a few months, each time getting a bit closer to a lesbo sesh, but they kept chickening out, was more like rita sue and bob too. One got the best 50 seconds of her life, the other used to sulk cos all she got was the soggy chop, with the taste of her mate!
Anyway, that job went pear shaped, and Im not great at keeping intouch so i fucked them both off and got more into the rave scene. My Fridays and saturday nights consisted of me, my mates, and fucking piles of ecstasy. They should call it the horn drug, not the love drug. All it did to me was make me wanna shag evry bird, big small, pretty, ugly, i didnt give a fuck. problem was, no stiffys! just wasnt possible, so i spent the next few years just enjoying music and rushin, with the odd shag inbetween. And theodd shag was never that great cos it was such a surprise it was like the first go, and gone in 50 shakes.
For ego purposes, i shagged loads of women over the next few years, one of particular prominent memory we shall refer to as number 10. She was a few years older, ugly as fuck, but i didnt realise til morning. This was like a film. You know when you wake up and wonder what the fuck just happened, feet were all scabby, different bits of nail varnish, and a fucking stench of council flat, dont get me wrong, i grew up on a council estate, and it was awesome, the best childhood ever possible thanks to awesome parents. But there are always the fucking scrotes that live round the corner, and stink. This lass anyway, she was after me nobbing her in toffs, but i dint fancy that, cos the toggys were FOUR fucking quid, and i was not going in that mucky clunge without a toggy. so i fought her off all the way to my parents, i covered the train b4 the pain, and went to work on it. shame was id started sobering up,nshe was either un naturally tight, or a very embarrassing faker. the screams were ridiculous, she must have woke the fucking neighbours up in rockingham ave she was that chuffing loud. I didnt expect it, most of them pass out when its all in, but not this one, she kept going, stop, dont stop, stop, dont stop - well i took fucking charge, and went to sleep, i had to give up. I could not risk my parents, or siblings seeing what id brought home, i felt like a naughty cat dragging in a scabby bird. Anyway, i went to sleep, she kept pestering, but i could not be arsed. I dreamt of polite ways to get rid of her, i was tempted to ring the house phone and fake an emergency, but i didnt have a mobile, it was fucking yonks ago. This was a time when kids rang there mates from home, sat on the stairs cos thats as far as the phone cable reached, and mum and dad went berserk cos the bt bill came and was £11!
So anyway, i wakes up, its about 6 am, i feel like ive eaten a kebab, my mouth tastes like a used tampon (not that ive ever tasted one, thats just wrong - is that what T bagging is? I bet some dirty cunt has tried it tho) I can only imagine what id got upto b4 sobering up and going to sleep. I looked down the bed, and there were the scabby toes, i pulled the duvet back, and there was the face, fucking hell i nearly shit myself. she looked a bit like a chicken, make up must have been done by her kids b4 she went out the night before, eyelashes stuck to her eyelids. fortunately my jeans were still round my ankles, so i pulled them up b4 she woke and got any ideas. I fed the fish, and then gave her a nudge, 'quick, get up, ive been called in to work' i told her, little did she know it was sunday, and i worked in a warehouse that was shut on sundays. she got dressed, i didnt watch, sneaking down stairs, my mum shouts, 'jay, what u doin?' im off to work i says, ' you dont work sundays' was her reply, cheers mum!! anyway, awkward drive down 5th ave, drops her off, she gives me her number and asks for mine!!! shiiiiiit, erm i dont know it, its just got changed, ill ring u! yeah right, i know every holes a goal nall that, but this hole, well, lets say i wish id missed it, fuck knows where the toggy ended up either, so i did shit myself for a few months expecting this minger to try blagging me that the kid shes called fucking stussy or something tacky was mine, anyway, never happened, had a check up, and my massive dong is healthy!
I decided from now on id only shag tidy birds, and the next few were bang tidy. Which became the trend, i had to pick better clunges til i found perfection - which i eventually did, and married her.
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