Its 2004, im in my extended sexual prime, most days I have a wank when I wake up, maybe squeeze one in at lunchtime, have one when I get home, sometimes I shag the missus, but shes still recovering from giving birth. Im like a spunk machine. If I opened a sperm bank, Id be a fucking tadpole millionaire.
We have a kid now, a few months old, which is fucking amazing seeing as we rarely shagged for the past cpl of years, I saw as much action as that fucking ugly twat Ben Fogle off of that shite desert island programme that no cunt watches. I remember chatting with Emily, about how she/ we desperately wanted kids, but found it odd that she'd stopped opening her legs!
After some thought I came to the conclusion that a few years of constant hammer from the Lamb machine has probably left her rather in bits, and she needs time to 'heal', i seem to recall the baby just slid out, so maybe its a good thing that we only do it on special occasions at the minute.
Anyway, this particular night, its the 19th July 2004 (youll see why I remember in a minute - well i didnt remember, just googled it), I sooo needed to pump that glorious punane.
Over the last few years before the sex life slowed briefly, we had been adventurous, She had loads of toys, a totum pole, Rabbit, terminator, a few tickler/ buzzy clitoral things etc etc, I have also got a couple!! No not anal beads u fucking sickos!!, Ive got a cock n ball ring, and SLICK LIPS, oh yeah, the slick lips, i found this in blackpool, on holiday last year with my bro, we'll call him Johnny, and sis in law who we'll refer to as lauro so they cant be identified. I distinctly recall breaking my big toe on one of them bouncy castle slide type things and getting some frozen peas off the barman at the hotel/ b&b/pub, that we later saw on tv's britains worst B&B, although I quite liked it there. anyway, slick lips lasted a few weeks, before i split it in two with my mahoosive girth. I still have the vibrating bit, and to be honest tried to extend the useability with loads of gaffer tape, but like me, it didnt last long.
Anyway, back to the story. She was fast asleep, with her relaxed 'my skins fallen off face' (private joke - sorry luv!)and she has the finest arse ive ever seen, and always sleeps in the spoon position. This particular night i have a raging lob-on, but am still a tad concerned about plugging the gap, what with her having just given birth, so i hatched a cunning plan, and went to the bathroom with my ann summers cock ring. It had a slightly bigger loop attached to it to squeee yr bollox and make you last longer. My dicks shaped a bit like an aeroplane, strts off aerodynamiv, goes mega fat,then thinner at the base.
So my plan was, to twist this big ring, and in effect fold it in half/ wrap it around twice. I had to use a fair bit of unscented handwash to get this fucker on. But it was so worth the struggle, once it was on my dick looked like a steroid crazed bodybulders leg. Jeeeezus, it was fucking massive, rock hard, and the veins, mu god, it looked like someon had put a toggy over a pop bottle full of blue worms.
I tapped it on the sink and it nearly woke the neighbours when it chipped the rim of the porcelain. Honestly, if you can imagine a baseball bat made of granite, thats what i was carrying between my legs. A bit like my new super power is 'granite cock man'.
Anyway, she's fast asleep, I creepin so as not to wake her, and over the nect 45 mins i gradually move her inch by inch til im poised to enter. No foreplay, no spit, im just fucking ramming this, dry! Yeah, cos im so powerful in the sack. Shes gonna wake up whaling like a banchee, and have multiple orgasms etc etc.....
Anyway, after much shoving and grunting, and ramming, its in!! Fucking hell is she loving it. And as soon as she wakes up its bound to get easier when shes a bit wetter!!
OOh, here she goes, oh jay, your massive, sooo hard, fucking hell, oh jay, ooooo, aaaaaarrrgghhh, fucking hell - you get the picture? She must be thinking Ive devolved into a black man or something, suddenly it gets all slippy, and I mean real slippy, so much so that the once effective pubey area that was stimulating her love button is suddenly slipping all over the place, my legs, which were clamped on hers for traction when pumping are now doing a good impression of climbing a greasy pole, my belly hair feels saturated, though I havent quite worked up a good sweat yet. I feel her hands around the active area, at first im thinking shes adding to the action, until she screams STOP! I think youve ruptured me! Oh fuck, I feel bad for a second, maybe it was too much, what a cunt I am, I was big benough already, oh no, what have I done. Then she puts the lamp on, weve stopped now, i darent take it out or move, we loom down, and the once white duvet and sheets were a nice shade of crimson, fuuuck me, it was like a scene from a Freddy kruger film, I pulled out immediately, and at that point we realised it was my blood! The scream gave it away. The pain was fucking unbearable, I had a steady jet of blood squirting from the viscinity of my bell end. My Hard on wouldnt go down cos the cock ring was too tight, it was a bit like a jean claude van damme ffilm when someone severs the steam pipe and it whips around uncontrolablr, dispersing its contents everywhere.
Then the words of dread came out of her mouth, just what I needed. No, not let me fucking kiss it better, but, jay, i feel feint, and sick, your gonna have to carry me to the bathroom and rinse me off in the shower before I pass out!!! Now fucking hang on a minute, Im the one bleeding to death here!!! Well thats what I was thinking, what I was saying was, yes dear, sorry dear. Ive only just changed them fucking sheets aswell!! Sorry luv. Anyway, I cleaned her up, changed the bed, and went to work inspectcing the damage. I pulled off that stupid cock ring and chopped it into pieces, like yoy do with lager 4 pack plastic holder things so wild animals dont get stuck in them, fucking stupid invention!!
Then I used a number of flannels and towels to mop up the blood, before I finally plucked up the courage to inspect the damage. It looked fine at first, and I was baffled as to where the 5 gallons of bllod had come from. I also needed a piss, so thought id get that out of the way. Oh my god, a dribble must have landed in my foreskin and just seeped into the ripped area, which i had now found! Fuuck me, this really hurt!I cant swear enough to emphasise the pain. I gently tried to ease my foreskin back, and it took ages to reveal the damage. I literally had a ripped banjo string. The bit of tight skin from your japs eye, down to the base of yr bell end, is yr banjo string. Mine resembled perfectly a minge. I had a split/ gash/ wound the full fucking length! And what looked like a piece of string from a tampon, turned out to be my snapped banjo, just hanging there!!! Fuck!!! I immediately rang NYED, North Yorkshire Emergency Doctors (called something else now I think) all the time hoping that no one called chris answered the fucking phone, cos at the time, my mun and her mate whos also called chris, both fucking work there! Anyway, as luck would have it, neither of them answered. The woman who answered asked me what the problem was. Well, I said, I dont know hoe I can say this any other way than, ive snapped my banjo string!! She just laughed, i felt insulted - had she no idea how much this hurt? She then asked what I meant, i re iterated, Ive snapped my banjo string. She asked me to explain myself, clearly thinking I was a bemused musician ringing the wrong number. I had to say to her the only way I can think of, that the piece of skin that attaches my japs eye to to my foreskin at the base of my bell end is now hanging off! I could tell she was trying not to laugh. Had I not been in agony Id have been pissing myself by now. She said shed get the nurse or doctor to call me back very soon.
I wrapped my wilting willy in bog roll and sat by the phone. We chatted for a while, and suddenly remembered about the double muder that had just happend at towthorpe, which was literally behind the field outside our back garden. Then the fone rang, it was the nurse, she said, almost exactly these words - 'your glans (posh for bell end) is an organ, as such is very delicate, and susceptable to infection, especially after sex, and as such, I should be seen by the hospital immediately!! Oh no, more embarrassement!! Then I remembered, theres a killer on the loose, i couldnt leave emily, and a 3 month old baby alone, while there a killer potentially within metres of the house, so I asked the question - 'how long have i got doc?' she said within at the very most 5 hours, I must be seen by a dr. So I set my alrm for 6:30, and got a couple of hours kip. Luckily my mam had bought some dodgy calvi klein Y fronts that were massive, so I put them on, and inserted one of emmilys 'rag week' panty liner/towel things in the front to catch the blood.
Alarm went off, gets up needing a piss, so I got that out of the way, and drove myself to A & E, I explained to the desk lady that Id snapped my banjo string, and needed a dr immediately, we went through the whole explanation of what a banjo string is again, she giggled, and got me a dr str8 away. HE laid me on the trolley and said what have u done mr lamb. so i explained, he said he needed to inspect it - i expected an injection before he abused me and peeled the skin right back, oh my god, i screamed!! Then he says, what do u expect me to do about it? Well, stitch it back on, obviously! To witch he laughed, no we dont do that, just leave it to heal by itself. Amazing I said, how does it attach itself in the right place? Oh no, he says, it wont do that, youll just have an extra bit from now on. Which I do, my cock is like an upside down unicorn now, and has been for the last 8 years. So please be careful with sex aids peeps!
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Saturday, 7 July 2012
the wonder years! Prequel to the banjo saga
Im all growed up now, my bro, who's a cunt, thinks im a bender. For the record, i hate homo's. Homosexuality does have its place in society tho, between to consenting lesbos!!
He says this cos im always out, getting wasted, and never bring any chicks home. Im just picky thats all, and too far gone to manage women mostly.
Anyway, the love drug is a big part of my life right now, in a nutshell, im full of urges, but completely incapable. there were a cpl more lucky ladies who witnessed the power of the lamb ' inator, who gorged on my middle leg of lamb, there was a regrettable one off, while it was a good sess', it was a mistake. I also think i probably damaged her, cos i had to carry her to the car, and dump her round at her parents. She couldnt walk bless her. (she was still tied up and in wrapped in a duvet case tho!)
Anyway, time has passed, the rave scene had claimed a good few years of my life, and i have no fucking idea what day or year it really is,.
Im working at tomo's now, a furniture place, where im the top dude, life is easy, im doing well at work and am in charge of the export side of things at work. Quite a responsible job, and physically demanding, so im in decent shape, still going out EVERY weekend and getting 'mullered'.
Theres a lot of lads at work, we all get on good, abd I help them out when theyre having a night out by bringing sweets to work. Even the manager is a customer!
Its a friday, one of the lads is a bit mental, and over indulges in chemicals, we'll call him Frank for now, he loves amphetamines, just speed. I knew a lad that supplied it in sticky paste, in a niutshell, you mix it 5 parts glucose to 1 part paste, then u get the street version of speed, not this kid though, he did it pure, and oh my god could you tell!! This one day he'd been at work one saturday, and like a dick, thought it would be a laugh to do some in at work so he could work super fast. Anyway the daft cunt overheated, and had a panick attack. Rather than come to one of the 50 lads he knew, that could have said, go sit down and drink some water, he went to the office and spoke to another manager, no grassing, just told them what he did. So within minutes we were all ordered to hand in our car keys for a vehicle search!!
Oh no!! Im no dealer, dont get me wrong. But back in the days, everyone knew someone for getting hold of something! This particular saturday, Id been asked to sort a few people out with some supplies, and in my ashtray were 50 or so 'head ache tablets', with pictures of little dicckie birds on, along side a joint, ready for the drive home, and scattered across the car was piles of reefa parifinalia. This search wasnt looking good.
One of the managers was an ex army officer, I saw him in the car next to mine, searching, and the sweat was dripping down my forehead. Just then, another manager turned up, we'll call him Dave, he announced he was to search my car. Fortunately for me, the headache tablets were for him!! Fucking result. But this got me thinking, and then sometime after this event I had a mishap with a carrier bag full of sleepy powder, and fell asleep for the best part of a week!!! Fuck this life I thought, somethin needs to change. I gave the last bits of paste to Jacko to sell, just for the record, this was £200 of paste, should have been mixed/cut 5 times to make a grand. The retard did the lot in, and didnt sleep for over a week!!
Anyway, its coming up to my 21st birthday now, one of the perks of being in charge was the 'allowed skiving'. It was my priveledge to do the sandwich run, theres usuallt 25 or so working on saturdays, and it takes a while for this lot to be cooked, plus when u tell everyone its £1.50 for BSE, and you get it all cheaper, theres a few quid to be made too.
Theres this lass in the office though, who always has cheese salad, with mayo. She only looks young, id have guessed about 16/17, so im careful with my tongue, and just give the odd cheeky remark, the favourite being ' do u want some of my special mayo instead', lol, she always said 'ooh yes please', (what a fuclin lie that turned out to be!!) abyway, ive handed out my invites, except for one, cos i dont know her name, and im not sure if shes old enough, and truth be told, I quite fancy shagging her, but a) i think shes a bit young, and b) she mike tell me to piss off. Although she does strut around the warehouse a lot with her perties pointing at us all (or just me as it turned out later), anyway, this guy whos a godsend, called Yad (paul really) came over to my bay one day, and asked me if he could bring Emily from the office (thats not her real name, but I have been warned not to use it) as his pls 1, I was a bit shocked, he was an office dork, and hes taking her? maybe shes older than i thought. Anyway, he told me straight away that shes asked if he would take cos she fancies me. Well! as luck would have it, I had her invite on my desk anyway, so he bullied me into giving her it, so to speak, it was like that moment at school when you give the girl a note that says something sweet, and u shit yourself incase she laughs. Anyway, I just walsed over and chucked in on her desk, cool as fuck I was.
I could tell by her face that she'd just saturated her knickers with excitement, this is it, Im guaranteed some action!! The party night arrived, good old layerthorpe wmc. Massive room, and it was packed out. I was one of the last to arrive, my dad rang to say hurry up, theres a couple of really fit lasses asking for Ash (that was my name at work, for many reasons) then he rang again, and again, these chicks were queing up for some action. I had a choice to make, it was dead easy, Emily spent most of the night watching me shagging a blow up sheep the lads had bought for me, then after a few rounds of top shelf liquors, i was arseholed, on top of that M and K, had been skinning up all night so I was probably chucking a few whiteys too. I came out of the bogs having just wiped the carrots from my mouth and chin, only to be approached by Emily, who looked well sexy. One of the lads got bored watching me trying to make a move and just grabbed both our heads and bvanged them together, that was it. She probably could taste the sick, but didnt seem bothered, it was almost like a prequel to 2 girls 1 cup, but more of a 1 girl, and id already chucked up! Anyway, the attraction must have been too great for her, as she clearly wanted my by now pulsating weapon of mas-turbation inside her, so she dragged me to the toilets, where I remember giving her the time of her life. A few years later she corrected me, apparently I was practically unconscious, she had a play, and we exchanged numbers, and I couldnt manage anything else!!!!
Anyway, neither of us rang each other, twas a saturday again, I was hoping she'd be at work, she only did occasional saturdays, but there she was, sat on the desk, wearing a wool dress, which was very short, I didnt know what to say, so i smiled and winked. That turned out to be the right thing to do, as an hour or so later we were in the main office together, which is normall empty on a sturday, and not everyone can get in. So there she is, sat on the desk, I can almost see her clunge the dress is so short. My trousers cant contain much more pressure. We start talking, it soon turns to smut, she giggles and encourages me, weve pretty much decided were gonna christen this big office, so Im about to give her the time of her life. BY THIS POINT, PETE, THE GM, WHO HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN SAT QUIETLY WORKING IN THE USUALLY EMPTY OFFICE JUST POPS UP FROM FUCKING NOWHERE!!!
Ash he says, I think you should carry on this conversation after work, and not in here!! Oh My God, talk about embarrassing, thats a written warning for me anyway. I met her the following friday, she was at an ann summers party, she waited outside in the wall of the fox n hounds, leather mini skirt and them shag me boots on. We went into her mates houyse, drank a bit, smoked lots of dope, and had a play while her mates all disappeared. I then offered to take her home, this was about 12 midnight, we got to the car, but it didnt set off til about 7 am!! Yeehaa, This was by far the nmost fantastic experience of my life, it was like a snap shot of a million porno's. I must have cum about 10 times that night, over 7 hours of non stop action. Honest to god, this was it, based just on this night, she is defintely 'the one'. Anyway, i had to drop her off at home, and went straight to work! The lads all thiught id been out raving, I must have looked a bit drained, i fucking was!
Anyway, the next few weeks were pretty much the same, Id found the ability to last for hours, constantly ready to start again, I am officially a fucking stud! Every spare minute was like a german porn movie, its that good, and were so keen on each other weve already decided we'll be getting married some day.
She knew one sunday night that shed already been accepted as a member of the family. We were in bed, missionary, she was squeeling as usually, cos im hung like a donkey. My dad had been to the club, I heard him shout through the door, 'Jay, are u decent?', NO I said, with that he came in, sat on the bed, and told us a joke!! She just laid there looking confused, but that was the moment I realised, she is one of us now.
We spent the next couple of years shagging constantly, and eventually moved in together, we lived in a shite house off lawrence street, but it was just a shag pad really, we moved to a nice flat, then got married. This is about the time when the honey moon period ends, and sex becomes something that you earn from a woman!
We got married anway, and bought our first house, and we were having quite the romance.
This one night, it had been a while since she'd emptied my sack, I had such an urge, and wanted to hear some screaming so I hatched a plan, and with the aid of an ann summers cock ring, thought id show her some moves. The following scenes may be disturbing to some readers.
He says this cos im always out, getting wasted, and never bring any chicks home. Im just picky thats all, and too far gone to manage women mostly.
Anyway, the love drug is a big part of my life right now, in a nutshell, im full of urges, but completely incapable. there were a cpl more lucky ladies who witnessed the power of the lamb ' inator, who gorged on my middle leg of lamb, there was a regrettable one off, while it was a good sess', it was a mistake. I also think i probably damaged her, cos i had to carry her to the car, and dump her round at her parents. She couldnt walk bless her. (she was still tied up and in wrapped in a duvet case tho!)
Anyway, time has passed, the rave scene had claimed a good few years of my life, and i have no fucking idea what day or year it really is,.
Im working at tomo's now, a furniture place, where im the top dude, life is easy, im doing well at work and am in charge of the export side of things at work. Quite a responsible job, and physically demanding, so im in decent shape, still going out EVERY weekend and getting 'mullered'.
Theres a lot of lads at work, we all get on good, abd I help them out when theyre having a night out by bringing sweets to work. Even the manager is a customer!
Its a friday, one of the lads is a bit mental, and over indulges in chemicals, we'll call him Frank for now, he loves amphetamines, just speed. I knew a lad that supplied it in sticky paste, in a niutshell, you mix it 5 parts glucose to 1 part paste, then u get the street version of speed, not this kid though, he did it pure, and oh my god could you tell!! This one day he'd been at work one saturday, and like a dick, thought it would be a laugh to do some in at work so he could work super fast. Anyway the daft cunt overheated, and had a panick attack. Rather than come to one of the 50 lads he knew, that could have said, go sit down and drink some water, he went to the office and spoke to another manager, no grassing, just told them what he did. So within minutes we were all ordered to hand in our car keys for a vehicle search!!
Oh no!! Im no dealer, dont get me wrong. But back in the days, everyone knew someone for getting hold of something! This particular saturday, Id been asked to sort a few people out with some supplies, and in my ashtray were 50 or so 'head ache tablets', with pictures of little dicckie birds on, along side a joint, ready for the drive home, and scattered across the car was piles of reefa parifinalia. This search wasnt looking good.
One of the managers was an ex army officer, I saw him in the car next to mine, searching, and the sweat was dripping down my forehead. Just then, another manager turned up, we'll call him Dave, he announced he was to search my car. Fortunately for me, the headache tablets were for him!! Fucking result. But this got me thinking, and then sometime after this event I had a mishap with a carrier bag full of sleepy powder, and fell asleep for the best part of a week!!! Fuck this life I thought, somethin needs to change. I gave the last bits of paste to Jacko to sell, just for the record, this was £200 of paste, should have been mixed/cut 5 times to make a grand. The retard did the lot in, and didnt sleep for over a week!!
Anyway, its coming up to my 21st birthday now, one of the perks of being in charge was the 'allowed skiving'. It was my priveledge to do the sandwich run, theres usuallt 25 or so working on saturdays, and it takes a while for this lot to be cooked, plus when u tell everyone its £1.50 for BSE, and you get it all cheaper, theres a few quid to be made too.
Theres this lass in the office though, who always has cheese salad, with mayo. She only looks young, id have guessed about 16/17, so im careful with my tongue, and just give the odd cheeky remark, the favourite being ' do u want some of my special mayo instead', lol, she always said 'ooh yes please', (what a fuclin lie that turned out to be!!) abyway, ive handed out my invites, except for one, cos i dont know her name, and im not sure if shes old enough, and truth be told, I quite fancy shagging her, but a) i think shes a bit young, and b) she mike tell me to piss off. Although she does strut around the warehouse a lot with her perties pointing at us all (or just me as it turned out later), anyway, this guy whos a godsend, called Yad (paul really) came over to my bay one day, and asked me if he could bring Emily from the office (thats not her real name, but I have been warned not to use it) as his pls 1, I was a bit shocked, he was an office dork, and hes taking her? maybe shes older than i thought. Anyway, he told me straight away that shes asked if he would take cos she fancies me. Well! as luck would have it, I had her invite on my desk anyway, so he bullied me into giving her it, so to speak, it was like that moment at school when you give the girl a note that says something sweet, and u shit yourself incase she laughs. Anyway, I just walsed over and chucked in on her desk, cool as fuck I was.
I could tell by her face that she'd just saturated her knickers with excitement, this is it, Im guaranteed some action!! The party night arrived, good old layerthorpe wmc. Massive room, and it was packed out. I was one of the last to arrive, my dad rang to say hurry up, theres a couple of really fit lasses asking for Ash (that was my name at work, for many reasons) then he rang again, and again, these chicks were queing up for some action. I had a choice to make, it was dead easy, Emily spent most of the night watching me shagging a blow up sheep the lads had bought for me, then after a few rounds of top shelf liquors, i was arseholed, on top of that M and K, had been skinning up all night so I was probably chucking a few whiteys too. I came out of the bogs having just wiped the carrots from my mouth and chin, only to be approached by Emily, who looked well sexy. One of the lads got bored watching me trying to make a move and just grabbed both our heads and bvanged them together, that was it. She probably could taste the sick, but didnt seem bothered, it was almost like a prequel to 2 girls 1 cup, but more of a 1 girl, and id already chucked up! Anyway, the attraction must have been too great for her, as she clearly wanted my by now pulsating weapon of mas-turbation inside her, so she dragged me to the toilets, where I remember giving her the time of her life. A few years later she corrected me, apparently I was practically unconscious, she had a play, and we exchanged numbers, and I couldnt manage anything else!!!!
Anyway, neither of us rang each other, twas a saturday again, I was hoping she'd be at work, she only did occasional saturdays, but there she was, sat on the desk, wearing a wool dress, which was very short, I didnt know what to say, so i smiled and winked. That turned out to be the right thing to do, as an hour or so later we were in the main office together, which is normall empty on a sturday, and not everyone can get in. So there she is, sat on the desk, I can almost see her clunge the dress is so short. My trousers cant contain much more pressure. We start talking, it soon turns to smut, she giggles and encourages me, weve pretty much decided were gonna christen this big office, so Im about to give her the time of her life. BY THIS POINT, PETE, THE GM, WHO HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN SAT QUIETLY WORKING IN THE USUALLY EMPTY OFFICE JUST POPS UP FROM FUCKING NOWHERE!!!
Ash he says, I think you should carry on this conversation after work, and not in here!! Oh My God, talk about embarrassing, thats a written warning for me anyway. I met her the following friday, she was at an ann summers party, she waited outside in the wall of the fox n hounds, leather mini skirt and them shag me boots on. We went into her mates houyse, drank a bit, smoked lots of dope, and had a play while her mates all disappeared. I then offered to take her home, this was about 12 midnight, we got to the car, but it didnt set off til about 7 am!! Yeehaa, This was by far the nmost fantastic experience of my life, it was like a snap shot of a million porno's. I must have cum about 10 times that night, over 7 hours of non stop action. Honest to god, this was it, based just on this night, she is defintely 'the one'. Anyway, i had to drop her off at home, and went straight to work! The lads all thiught id been out raving, I must have looked a bit drained, i fucking was!
Anyway, the next few weeks were pretty much the same, Id found the ability to last for hours, constantly ready to start again, I am officially a fucking stud! Every spare minute was like a german porn movie, its that good, and were so keen on each other weve already decided we'll be getting married some day.
She knew one sunday night that shed already been accepted as a member of the family. We were in bed, missionary, she was squeeling as usually, cos im hung like a donkey. My dad had been to the club, I heard him shout through the door, 'Jay, are u decent?', NO I said, with that he came in, sat on the bed, and told us a joke!! She just laid there looking confused, but that was the moment I realised, she is one of us now.
We spent the next couple of years shagging constantly, and eventually moved in together, we lived in a shite house off lawrence street, but it was just a shag pad really, we moved to a nice flat, then got married. This is about the time when the honey moon period ends, and sex becomes something that you earn from a woman!
We got married anway, and bought our first house, and we were having quite the romance.
This one night, it had been a while since she'd emptied my sack, I had such an urge, and wanted to hear some screaming so I hatched a plan, and with the aid of an ann summers cock ring, thought id show her some moves. The following scenes may be disturbing to some readers.
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
page 2, the prequel to perfection
so its 199?, and im becoming sexually mature. Ive started having strange erotic thoughts, and think i want to be a lesbian, ive seen some in films and they are fucking stunning, like in those german documentaries. Id love to have a clunge for a day. If I could choose one super power, it would be to change into a super porno lesbo, so i could strum myself giddy looking at photos of my other self. mmm, me so horny. I found a film in my brothers secret collection, think it was called danish escort girls, on VHS, which was posh in them days. Id been helpin build a stone wall in the back garden and me hands were all rough. Everyones gone out to the layerthorpe wmc, so im watching tv at home alone, smoking a cheeky reefa of some nice tasting soap bar, by nice I mean, NICE, not like the plastic shit that was around in the late 90's, this shit was nice, tasted glorious, and gave you a nice buzz. Best of all u could last for fucking hours!
Anyway, I suddenly remembered finding this educational video, so i thought id have a look.
It was great, had a proper story and everything. Glorias washing machine had broke, so she rang the repair line, a blonde chick turned up, turns out she had a bag full of tools, and was super good with washers, she soon had the drum wet and writhing again.
Gloria had no money so the nice repair lady said they could have a naked cuddle insted. WELL! the things I saw, got me standing to attention pretty quick, and with my sand paper hands I was soon in a sticky mess.
Next night was youth club night, i run tings round there, for some reason I was able to look after myself as a kid, but wasnt quite the cool guy that i am now! Anyway, theres a chick i fancy, good looking lass, only snag is barnit told me she had a gammy mott, (proof that keith lemon never invented that word), but i dint know what that meant so thought fuck it, i will. Any road, were round the back of the youth club, id just had a scrap and a few girls dig that stuff. She had my cock out and everything, she was wearing one of them shitty leotard things and could i fuckers get into her minge, me mate col came round the corner and said r u coming for a joint, so i said yea, fuck it. I left her stood there, think i blew it there cos shedint talk to me again!!
Some time has passed now and ive got a job and everything. I get paid nearly £100 a week and dont even have to pay board. Theres a lass at work who keeps touching me, so does her friend, Im not sure if this is abuse or not, shes 36 I think, and her make must be knocking on 40 judging by the face, and saggy top knockers. Im only just out of school, but dont give a fuck, all me mates have been shagging since they were 12, especially special mickey, who looks like the gay one off of jls and used to get all the chicks, so i guess im a late starter. Everytime I go to the packing room they both appear, asking what Im packing. I always make a rude joke, thinking thats what there after, but how wrong was I!! Turns out they both wanted a bit of fresh meat, some lamb chop, so I obliged. on condition that they dont tell there husbands, cos ive met them, and they are fucking huge cunts. Anyway, that was my first, or one of my first, deep clunge explorations. It was a bit shit to be fair, couple of baggy fannys, saggy tits, and it was all over in a few seconds, 50 shakes to be precise. This went on for a few months, each time getting a bit closer to a lesbo sesh, but they kept chickening out, was more like rita sue and bob too. One got the best 50 seconds of her life, the other used to sulk cos all she got was the soggy chop, with the taste of her mate!
Anyway, that job went pear shaped, and Im not great at keeping intouch so i fucked them both off and got more into the rave scene. My Fridays and saturday nights consisted of me, my mates, and fucking piles of ecstasy. They should call it the horn drug, not the love drug. All it did to me was make me wanna shag evry bird, big small, pretty, ugly, i didnt give a fuck. problem was, no stiffys! just wasnt possible, so i spent the next few years just enjoying music and rushin, with the odd shag inbetween. And theodd shag was never that great cos it was such a surprise it was like the first go, and gone in 50 shakes.
For ego purposes, i shagged loads of women over the next few years, one of particular prominent memory we shall refer to as number 10. She was a few years older, ugly as fuck, but i didnt realise til morning. This was like a film. You know when you wake up and wonder what the fuck just happened, feet were all scabby, different bits of nail varnish, and a fucking stench of council flat, dont get me wrong, i grew up on a council estate, and it was awesome, the best childhood ever possible thanks to awesome parents. But there are always the fucking scrotes that live round the corner, and stink. This lass anyway, she was after me nobbing her in toffs, but i dint fancy that, cos the toggys were FOUR fucking quid, and i was not going in that mucky clunge without a toggy. so i fought her off all the way to my parents, i covered the train b4 the pain, and went to work on it. shame was id started sobering up,nshe was either un naturally tight, or a very embarrassing faker. the screams were ridiculous, she must have woke the fucking neighbours up in rockingham ave she was that chuffing loud. I didnt expect it, most of them pass out when its all in, but not this one, she kept going, stop, dont stop, stop, dont stop - well i took fucking charge, and went to sleep, i had to give up. I could not risk my parents, or siblings seeing what id brought home, i felt like a naughty cat dragging in a scabby bird. Anyway, i went to sleep, she kept pestering, but i could not be arsed. I dreamt of polite ways to get rid of her, i was tempted to ring the house phone and fake an emergency, but i didnt have a mobile, it was fucking yonks ago. This was a time when kids rang there mates from home, sat on the stairs cos thats as far as the phone cable reached, and mum and dad went berserk cos the bt bill came and was £11!
So anyway, i wakes up, its about 6 am, i feel like ive eaten a kebab, my mouth tastes like a used tampon (not that ive ever tasted one, thats just wrong - is that what T bagging is? I bet some dirty cunt has tried it tho) I can only imagine what id got upto b4 sobering up and going to sleep. I looked down the bed, and there were the scabby toes, i pulled the duvet back, and there was the face, fucking hell i nearly shit myself. she looked a bit like a chicken, make up must have been done by her kids b4 she went out the night before, eyelashes stuck to her eyelids. fortunately my jeans were still round my ankles, so i pulled them up b4 she woke and got any ideas. I fed the fish, and then gave her a nudge, 'quick, get up, ive been called in to work' i told her, little did she know it was sunday, and i worked in a warehouse that was shut on sundays. she got dressed, i didnt watch, sneaking down stairs, my mum shouts, 'jay, what u doin?' im off to work i says, ' you dont work sundays' was her reply, cheers mum!! anyway, awkward drive down 5th ave, drops her off, she gives me her number and asks for mine!!! shiiiiiit, erm i dont know it, its just got changed, ill ring u! yeah right, i know every holes a goal nall that, but this hole, well, lets say i wish id missed it, fuck knows where the toggy ended up either, so i did shit myself for a few months expecting this minger to try blagging me that the kid shes called fucking stussy or something tacky was mine, anyway, never happened, had a check up, and my massive dong is healthy!
I decided from now on id only shag tidy birds, and the next few were bang tidy. Which became the trend, i had to pick better clunges til i found perfection - which i eventually did, and married her.
Anyway, I suddenly remembered finding this educational video, so i thought id have a look.
It was great, had a proper story and everything. Glorias washing machine had broke, so she rang the repair line, a blonde chick turned up, turns out she had a bag full of tools, and was super good with washers, she soon had the drum wet and writhing again.
Gloria had no money so the nice repair lady said they could have a naked cuddle insted. WELL! the things I saw, got me standing to attention pretty quick, and with my sand paper hands I was soon in a sticky mess.
Next night was youth club night, i run tings round there, for some reason I was able to look after myself as a kid, but wasnt quite the cool guy that i am now! Anyway, theres a chick i fancy, good looking lass, only snag is barnit told me she had a gammy mott, (proof that keith lemon never invented that word), but i dint know what that meant so thought fuck it, i will. Any road, were round the back of the youth club, id just had a scrap and a few girls dig that stuff. She had my cock out and everything, she was wearing one of them shitty leotard things and could i fuckers get into her minge, me mate col came round the corner and said r u coming for a joint, so i said yea, fuck it. I left her stood there, think i blew it there cos shedint talk to me again!!
Some time has passed now and ive got a job and everything. I get paid nearly £100 a week and dont even have to pay board. Theres a lass at work who keeps touching me, so does her friend, Im not sure if this is abuse or not, shes 36 I think, and her make must be knocking on 40 judging by the face, and saggy top knockers. Im only just out of school, but dont give a fuck, all me mates have been shagging since they were 12, especially special mickey, who looks like the gay one off of jls and used to get all the chicks, so i guess im a late starter. Everytime I go to the packing room they both appear, asking what Im packing. I always make a rude joke, thinking thats what there after, but how wrong was I!! Turns out they both wanted a bit of fresh meat, some lamb chop, so I obliged. on condition that they dont tell there husbands, cos ive met them, and they are fucking huge cunts. Anyway, that was my first, or one of my first, deep clunge explorations. It was a bit shit to be fair, couple of baggy fannys, saggy tits, and it was all over in a few seconds, 50 shakes to be precise. This went on for a few months, each time getting a bit closer to a lesbo sesh, but they kept chickening out, was more like rita sue and bob too. One got the best 50 seconds of her life, the other used to sulk cos all she got was the soggy chop, with the taste of her mate!
Anyway, that job went pear shaped, and Im not great at keeping intouch so i fucked them both off and got more into the rave scene. My Fridays and saturday nights consisted of me, my mates, and fucking piles of ecstasy. They should call it the horn drug, not the love drug. All it did to me was make me wanna shag evry bird, big small, pretty, ugly, i didnt give a fuck. problem was, no stiffys! just wasnt possible, so i spent the next few years just enjoying music and rushin, with the odd shag inbetween. And theodd shag was never that great cos it was such a surprise it was like the first go, and gone in 50 shakes.
For ego purposes, i shagged loads of women over the next few years, one of particular prominent memory we shall refer to as number 10. She was a few years older, ugly as fuck, but i didnt realise til morning. This was like a film. You know when you wake up and wonder what the fuck just happened, feet were all scabby, different bits of nail varnish, and a fucking stench of council flat, dont get me wrong, i grew up on a council estate, and it was awesome, the best childhood ever possible thanks to awesome parents. But there are always the fucking scrotes that live round the corner, and stink. This lass anyway, she was after me nobbing her in toffs, but i dint fancy that, cos the toggys were FOUR fucking quid, and i was not going in that mucky clunge without a toggy. so i fought her off all the way to my parents, i covered the train b4 the pain, and went to work on it. shame was id started sobering up,nshe was either un naturally tight, or a very embarrassing faker. the screams were ridiculous, she must have woke the fucking neighbours up in rockingham ave she was that chuffing loud. I didnt expect it, most of them pass out when its all in, but not this one, she kept going, stop, dont stop, stop, dont stop - well i took fucking charge, and went to sleep, i had to give up. I could not risk my parents, or siblings seeing what id brought home, i felt like a naughty cat dragging in a scabby bird. Anyway, i went to sleep, she kept pestering, but i could not be arsed. I dreamt of polite ways to get rid of her, i was tempted to ring the house phone and fake an emergency, but i didnt have a mobile, it was fucking yonks ago. This was a time when kids rang there mates from home, sat on the stairs cos thats as far as the phone cable reached, and mum and dad went berserk cos the bt bill came and was £11!
So anyway, i wakes up, its about 6 am, i feel like ive eaten a kebab, my mouth tastes like a used tampon (not that ive ever tasted one, thats just wrong - is that what T bagging is? I bet some dirty cunt has tried it tho) I can only imagine what id got upto b4 sobering up and going to sleep. I looked down the bed, and there were the scabby toes, i pulled the duvet back, and there was the face, fucking hell i nearly shit myself. she looked a bit like a chicken, make up must have been done by her kids b4 she went out the night before, eyelashes stuck to her eyelids. fortunately my jeans were still round my ankles, so i pulled them up b4 she woke and got any ideas. I fed the fish, and then gave her a nudge, 'quick, get up, ive been called in to work' i told her, little did she know it was sunday, and i worked in a warehouse that was shut on sundays. she got dressed, i didnt watch, sneaking down stairs, my mum shouts, 'jay, what u doin?' im off to work i says, ' you dont work sundays' was her reply, cheers mum!! anyway, awkward drive down 5th ave, drops her off, she gives me her number and asks for mine!!! shiiiiiit, erm i dont know it, its just got changed, ill ring u! yeah right, i know every holes a goal nall that, but this hole, well, lets say i wish id missed it, fuck knows where the toggy ended up either, so i did shit myself for a few months expecting this minger to try blagging me that the kid shes called fucking stussy or something tacky was mine, anyway, never happened, had a check up, and my massive dong is healthy!
I decided from now on id only shag tidy birds, and the next few were bang tidy. Which became the trend, i had to pick better clunges til i found perfection - which i eventually did, and married her.
So its 1991, and by now im well into wanking. My favourite bird is sinitta, she does it for me, the hours weve spent together, me licking the cover of 'so macho' on 7 inch, with my still growing 7 inch in hand. While she stares at me, gagging for some lambchop.
All I'll say for now is, SHE GOT SOME! It was my first and last inter racial experience, and it was awesome. This was also around the time I progressed into 12 inches! seriously.
I would spend many a night with my hands carressing two round black things. flicking with my fingers, and tweaking here and there. Heaven.
Soon after this, I decided to explore the female bodies of many women, and have stickied up most brands of sunday magazine. Often I would find myself staring at the top shelf in Londons, but knowing Id never be able to buy one, so id always settle for the plain janes, usually found in TV quick or whatever the 1991 version was called.
I soon discovered that pam and her five sisters couldnt satisfy me, so i started playing away, there was a rumour that i was shagging reddy beddy teddy, this was not true, i used to use the whole beteween the teddys legs to hide stuff, but that was it! I did however, regularly place my sock between the mattress and the divan base, this got some stick, I can tell you!
Anyway, thats this chapter done for now, were fastforwarding some time now, I wont say what year cos then youll all know I was far too old when I lost my REAL virginity. So it will be 199? , thats all.
All I'll say for now is, SHE GOT SOME! It was my first and last inter racial experience, and it was awesome. This was also around the time I progressed into 12 inches! seriously.
I would spend many a night with my hands carressing two round black things. flicking with my fingers, and tweaking here and there. Heaven.
Soon after this, I decided to explore the female bodies of many women, and have stickied up most brands of sunday magazine. Often I would find myself staring at the top shelf in Londons, but knowing Id never be able to buy one, so id always settle for the plain janes, usually found in TV quick or whatever the 1991 version was called.
I soon discovered that pam and her five sisters couldnt satisfy me, so i started playing away, there was a rumour that i was shagging reddy beddy teddy, this was not true, i used to use the whole beteween the teddys legs to hide stuff, but that was it! I did however, regularly place my sock between the mattress and the divan base, this got some stick, I can tell you!
Anyway, thats this chapter done for now, were fastforwarding some time now, I wont say what year cos then youll all know I was far too old when I lost my REAL virginity. So it will be 199? , thats all.
intro
This is my response to that book all the chicks are mad about, this is how real blokes see the world of smut.
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