Its 2004, im in my extended sexual prime, most days I have a wank when I wake up, maybe squeeze one in at lunchtime, have one when I get home, sometimes I shag the missus, but shes still recovering from giving birth. Im like a spunk machine. If I opened a sperm bank, Id be a fucking tadpole millionaire.
We have a kid now, a few months old, which is fucking amazing seeing as we rarely shagged for the past cpl of years, I saw as much action as that fucking ugly twat Ben Fogle off of that shite desert island programme that no cunt watches. I remember chatting with Emily, about how she/ we desperately wanted kids, but found it odd that she'd stopped opening her legs!
After some thought I came to the conclusion that a few years of constant hammer from the Lamb machine has probably left her rather in bits, and she needs time to 'heal', i seem to recall the baby just slid out, so maybe its a good thing that we only do it on special occasions at the minute.
Anyway, this particular night, its the 19th July 2004 (youll see why I remember in a minute - well i didnt remember, just googled it), I sooo needed to pump that glorious punane.
Over the last few years before the sex life slowed briefly, we had been adventurous, She had loads of toys, a totum pole, Rabbit, terminator, a few tickler/ buzzy clitoral things etc etc, I have also got a couple!! No not anal beads u fucking sickos!!, Ive got a cock n ball ring, and SLICK LIPS, oh yeah, the slick lips, i found this in blackpool, on holiday last year with my bro, we'll call him Johnny, and sis in law who we'll refer to as lauro so they cant be identified. I distinctly recall breaking my big toe on one of them bouncy castle slide type things and getting some frozen peas off the barman at the hotel/ b&b/pub, that we later saw on tv's britains worst B&B, although I quite liked it there. anyway, slick lips lasted a few weeks, before i split it in two with my mahoosive girth. I still have the vibrating bit, and to be honest tried to extend the useability with loads of gaffer tape, but like me, it didnt last long.
Anyway, back to the story. She was fast asleep, with her relaxed 'my skins fallen off face' (private joke - sorry luv!)and she has the finest arse ive ever seen, and always sleeps in the spoon position. This particular night i have a raging lob-on, but am still a tad concerned about plugging the gap, what with her having just given birth, so i hatched a cunning plan, and went to the bathroom with my ann summers cock ring. It had a slightly bigger loop attached to it to squeee yr bollox and make you last longer. My dicks shaped a bit like an aeroplane, strts off aerodynamiv, goes mega fat,then thinner at the base.
So my plan was, to twist this big ring, and in effect fold it in half/ wrap it around twice. I had to use a fair bit of unscented handwash to get this fucker on. But it was so worth the struggle, once it was on my dick looked like a steroid crazed bodybulders leg. Jeeeezus, it was fucking massive, rock hard, and the veins, mu god, it looked like someon had put a toggy over a pop bottle full of blue worms.
I tapped it on the sink and it nearly woke the neighbours when it chipped the rim of the porcelain. Honestly, if you can imagine a baseball bat made of granite, thats what i was carrying between my legs. A bit like my new super power is 'granite cock man'.
Anyway, she's fast asleep, I creepin so as not to wake her, and over the nect 45 mins i gradually move her inch by inch til im poised to enter. No foreplay, no spit, im just fucking ramming this, dry! Yeah, cos im so powerful in the sack. Shes gonna wake up whaling like a banchee, and have multiple orgasms etc etc.....
Anyway, after much shoving and grunting, and ramming, its in!! Fucking hell is she loving it. And as soon as she wakes up its bound to get easier when shes a bit wetter!!
OOh, here she goes, oh jay, your massive, sooo hard, fucking hell, oh jay, ooooo, aaaaaarrrgghhh, fucking hell - you get the picture? She must be thinking Ive devolved into a black man or something, suddenly it gets all slippy, and I mean real slippy, so much so that the once effective pubey area that was stimulating her love button is suddenly slipping all over the place, my legs, which were clamped on hers for traction when pumping are now doing a good impression of climbing a greasy pole, my belly hair feels saturated, though I havent quite worked up a good sweat yet. I feel her hands around the active area, at first im thinking shes adding to the action, until she screams STOP! I think youve ruptured me! Oh fuck, I feel bad for a second, maybe it was too much, what a cunt I am, I was big benough already, oh no, what have I done. Then she puts the lamp on, weve stopped now, i darent take it out or move, we loom down, and the once white duvet and sheets were a nice shade of crimson, fuuuck me, it was like a scene from a Freddy kruger film, I pulled out immediately, and at that point we realised it was my blood! The scream gave it away. The pain was fucking unbearable, I had a steady jet of blood squirting from the viscinity of my bell end. My Hard on wouldnt go down cos the cock ring was too tight, it was a bit like a jean claude van damme ffilm when someone severs the steam pipe and it whips around uncontrolablr, dispersing its contents everywhere.
Then the words of dread came out of her mouth, just what I needed. No, not let me fucking kiss it better, but, jay, i feel feint, and sick, your gonna have to carry me to the bathroom and rinse me off in the shower before I pass out!!! Now fucking hang on a minute, Im the one bleeding to death here!!! Well thats what I was thinking, what I was saying was, yes dear, sorry dear. Ive only just changed them fucking sheets aswell!! Sorry luv. Anyway, I cleaned her up, changed the bed, and went to work inspectcing the damage. I pulled off that stupid cock ring and chopped it into pieces, like yoy do with lager 4 pack plastic holder things so wild animals dont get stuck in them, fucking stupid invention!!
Then I used a number of flannels and towels to mop up the blood, before I finally plucked up the courage to inspect the damage. It looked fine at first, and I was baffled as to where the 5 gallons of bllod had come from. I also needed a piss, so thought id get that out of the way. Oh my god, a dribble must have landed in my foreskin and just seeped into the ripped area, which i had now found! Fuuck me, this really hurt!I cant swear enough to emphasise the pain. I gently tried to ease my foreskin back, and it took ages to reveal the damage. I literally had a ripped banjo string. The bit of tight skin from your japs eye, down to the base of yr bell end, is yr banjo string. Mine resembled perfectly a minge. I had a split/ gash/ wound the full fucking length! And what looked like a piece of string from a tampon, turned out to be my snapped banjo, just hanging there!!! Fuck!!! I immediately rang NYED, North Yorkshire Emergency Doctors (called something else now I think) all the time hoping that no one called chris answered the fucking phone, cos at the time, my mun and her mate whos also called chris, both fucking work there! Anyway, as luck would have it, neither of them answered. The woman who answered asked me what the problem was. Well, I said, I dont know hoe I can say this any other way than, ive snapped my banjo string!! She just laughed, i felt insulted - had she no idea how much this hurt? She then asked what I meant, i re iterated, Ive snapped my banjo string. She asked me to explain myself, clearly thinking I was a bemused musician ringing the wrong number. I had to say to her the only way I can think of, that the piece of skin that attaches my japs eye to to my foreskin at the base of my bell end is now hanging off! I could tell she was trying not to laugh. Had I not been in agony Id have been pissing myself by now. She said shed get the nurse or doctor to call me back very soon.
I wrapped my wilting willy in bog roll and sat by the phone. We chatted for a while, and suddenly remembered about the double muder that had just happend at towthorpe, which was literally behind the field outside our back garden. Then the fone rang, it was the nurse, she said, almost exactly these words - 'your glans (posh for bell end) is an organ, as such is very delicate, and susceptable to infection, especially after sex, and as such, I should be seen by the hospital immediately!! Oh no, more embarrassement!! Then I remembered, theres a killer on the loose, i couldnt leave emily, and a 3 month old baby alone, while there a killer potentially within metres of the house, so I asked the question - 'how long have i got doc?' she said within at the very most 5 hours, I must be seen by a dr. So I set my alrm for 6:30, and got a couple of hours kip. Luckily my mam had bought some dodgy calvi klein Y fronts that were massive, so I put them on, and inserted one of emmilys 'rag week' panty liner/towel things in the front to catch the blood.
Alarm went off, gets up needing a piss, so I got that out of the way, and drove myself to A & E, I explained to the desk lady that Id snapped my banjo string, and needed a dr immediately, we went through the whole explanation of what a banjo string is again, she giggled, and got me a dr str8 away. HE laid me on the trolley and said what have u done mr lamb. so i explained, he said he needed to inspect it - i expected an injection before he abused me and peeled the skin right back, oh my god, i screamed!! Then he says, what do u expect me to do about it? Well, stitch it back on, obviously! To witch he laughed, no we dont do that, just leave it to heal by itself. Amazing I said, how does it attach itself in the right place? Oh no, he says, it wont do that, youll just have an extra bit from now on. Which I do, my cock is like an upside down unicorn now, and has been for the last 8 years. So please be careful with sex aids peeps!
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